Surrender is not giving up.
Surrender is not giving in.
It’s trusting in something bigger than yourself.
Slowly unfolding.
Something you can’t quite see.
Quietly expanding.
Behind the scenes.
How I Surrender: The God Box
Surrender
Tag: acceptance
Failure as Feedback
“Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.“
With time, I have come to realize that failure has always been my greatest teacher. Each failure pointed me in a better direction and helped me to develop strength and authenticity, ultimately unveiling who I was and what I was destined to become
F. A. I. L. = First Attempt In Learning
• The failing grade I received on my first exam in graduate school taught me how to ask for support when I needed it most, no matter how shameful I felt or embarrassed I was.
• The end of a long-term relationship taught me how to value my time alone and make tough decisions for myself, no matter how weak I felt or lonesome I was.
• The layoff from a job I loved taught me how to let go, look forward, and trust in something so much bigger than myself, no matter how scared I was or irrelevant I felt.
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
Is it possible to see failure in a positive light?
Under the right conditions, failure strengthens us, adds to our self-knowledge, and enhances the quality of our lives
• If it weren’t for failure, I would not have met my husband John.
• If it weren’t for failure, I would not be a psychology professor.
• If it weren’t for failure, I would not have written three textbooks.
• If it weren’t for failure, I would not be the person I am today.
“Failure is the opportunity to begin again.”
Read My Article in The Drive Magazine: https://thedrivemagazine.com/posts/failure-as-feedback
Your Turn:
What has failure taught you?
Watch Video of Post: Click Here
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Acceptance: Your Peace Depends on It
Shift your focus.
Change your life.
Acceptance and peace go hand in hand.
When we accept the things we cannot change, we save our energy for the things we can.
Today’s Challenge
Consciously accept the good and the bad that exists in your life.
The rain and the sunlight.
The shadow and the light.
Keeping in Mind
Accepting what is does not lower the bar.
Quite the opposite.
Acceptance shines a spotlight on your inner strengths and endurance – independent of outer circumstances.
Strengths that were fostered in the eye of the storm. ☔️
Courage. Creativity. Wisdom. Perseverance. Faith.
This very moment in time.
And it’s that good feeling that motivates you to strive for more of what’s right for you. Instead of fighting against what’s wrong for you.
HOW DO I MAKE THE SHIFT?
Begin by accepting what is.
Moment by precious moment.
Your wellness depends on it.
Applying this Post in Everyday Life
The 3 to 1 positivity to negativity ratio is one way of applying this post in your everyday life.
Specifically, each time you criticize an area of your life (or something about yourself personally), write down three positive aspects about the very thing you condemned. Hence, the 3 to 1 positivity ratio.
For example, each time you get down on yourself for not working during the COVID-19 pandemic, write down three benefits of sheltering in place. (E.g., more time for fitness, the space to try out new hobbies, meaningful conversations with family members). This daily practice helps to dampen the adverse impact of negativity bias, a type of cognitive distortion, common to all of us.
Likewise, stop comparing your lowlights to other people’s highlights. You never know what’s happening behind the scenes in another person’s life. Good or bad. FOMO is “a story” fabricated in the mind based on snippets of observable behaviour (video below).
Reflection Questions
- How has COVID-19 eased (or increased) the pressure you put on yourself and the people around you?
- What does acceptance “feel” like physically in your body versus fighting “what is”?
- What have you surrendered lately? Let go?
You Can’t Add More to Your Life Without First Letting Go
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3 Ways to Create Opportunity in COVID Adversity: Class of 2020
Three Ways ~ 2020 graduates ~ can bridge the gap between what was ~ and what will be.
- 🎓 CONNECT
- 🎓 CREATE
- 🎓 CRISIS MANAGEMENT
All three resilience strategies described in full detail in the 8 minute video below:
Hold On
STAY STRONG 2020 Graduates!
Growth happens in the s p a c e in between.
This video presentation was created in partnership with the Student Representative Council (SRC) at St. Clair College in Windsor Ontario Canada.
🎓 Please Pass It On 🎓
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Celebrate how far you’ve come.
Today let’s celebrate all the dreams that came true.
Merely an idea 5 years ago.
It’s so easy to get lost in our hopes and motivations for the future.
Without realizing how many of our aspirations we’ve already achieved.
Together let’s honour how far we’ve come.
Only then will we have the fuel + the faith to keep reaching for our North Stars.
Again and again and again.. 🙏💛 🚀💫
Don’t Give Up!
You are closer than you know. ✨
Video of Blog Post ⇒ Click Here
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SAYING NO Are you a feeler or a thinker?
Do you have a difficult time saying no?
While others in your life say no without a second thought.
Is this confusing and at times upsetting for you?
Are you hard on yourself because of this discrepancy between yourself and others?
You may be interested to discover that Saying No is not a one size fits all.
Join me in my virtual psychology classroom as I share one factor that explains why some people have more difficulty saying no and holding boundaries than others — Your Personality.
Feelers vs. Thinkers
Feelers
In this video I describe how individuals who are overly sensitive to the feelings of others (HSPs, Empaths, ENFJs) often focus on the needs of others to the exclusion of themselves.
Video: SAYING NO Are you a feeler or a thinker?
❤️ Feelers take things more personally than thinkers.
Often causing feelers to say YES on the outside when on the inside their intuition is telling them to SAY NO.
Result = Mixed Messages + Unnecessary Stress
Thinkers
By contrast, individuals who are left brain dominant (thinkers on the Myers Briggs scale) are more straightforward and logical in their response to requests from friends and coworkers.
Consequently, thinkers do not focus to the same extent on the emotions of “the requesters” in the same way that feelers (eg., ENFJ’s) on the on the Myers Briggs do.
💡 Saying no comes naturally to thinkers.
Thinkers know what they want and use analytics + logic not the emotions of the person in front of them as their guiding force.
Learning from each other
On the plus side:
Feelers and thinkers make incredible teammates.
At work and in life.
Balance is everything. 🧠 + ❤️
Additional Information
1. Right Brain versus Left Brain
2. Are you a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?
3. Learn About Myers Briggs Personality Profile
4. Subscribe to my YouTube Channel
Let me know in comments below how your personality impacts different areas of your life, including saying No.
Please share techniques you’ve developed for setting boundaries too!
I’d love to know!
Dr. D 📚
One Final Note:
In Addition to Personality and Individual Differences
Situation Also Impacts Our Ability to Say NO + Stand Firm
Video: Saying No is Easier When You Feel Safe
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Breathe. Trust. Let go.
Trust that everything is working out as it should. In divine time. In divine order. For your highest good.
Video: Let Go and Flow
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You hold the key.
Even though we often have little control over the “outside forces” in our lives, we can always make a positive difference – from the inside out.
Start here. Right here. Right now. Be still. Breathe in gratitude. Be thankful for this very moment. Start small. Notice your passing thoughts. Let go.
Awareness empowers.
Notice the exact time it is right now. Say today’s date out loud. Look up at the sky. Wink at the clouds. Stomp your feet on the floor. Smile with gusto.
Slowly bring yourself back to this moment.
Grab onto the coffee mug you are holding. Inhale the rich scent of the sumatra you are drinking. Feel the warmth of each passing breath.
Feel the texture of the clothes you’re wearing. Wake up to the sound of your voice. Whisper. Sing. Shout it out!
Dance a little dance. Stand up tall. Anything and everything that shifts you from outer space to inner spirit. From not enough to overflowing.
Positive change begins within.
Come back to yourself. Back to the grace of your magnificent spirit. Into the beauty of your incredible form. Feel the rhythm of your beating heart. Sense the pulse of life itself.
Everything you need to transform yourself and the world already exists within you. You matter. You truly matter. But you have to believe it to see it. Feel it to know it. One gentle, uplifting thought at a time.
You hold the key.
Originally published on March 1 2017
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Rest in Truth.
Truth is truth.
Let them gossip. Let them chatter. Let them say what they choose to say.
Because at the end of the day truth is truth.
And nothing can stand in it’s way.
Rest. Relax. Sit back. Breathe in deep.
Stop trying to convince anybody and everybody of anything and everything.
At the end of the day time will tell.
Rest. Relax. Sit back. Breathe in deep.
When the dust settles and the sun sets truth is truth.
And it shall set you free.💫
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Enhancing well-being during the holidays
Do you find Christmas holidays stressful?
If you’re anything like me (and Santa Claus), you answered yes.
Something I wrote about in the December issue of The DRIVE magazine.
Including the benefits of leaning into difficult emotions.
Because the more we try to fight discomfort, the longer it lasts.
“The root of all suffering is attachment.” Buddha
Stop fighting. Start flowing.
Let your stress drift gently through you.
Without judgment or condemnation.
Breathe and release.
Embrace what is.
Moment by moment.
Let go of what is outside your control.
Let go of expectations.
In doing so..
The pressure becomes lighter.
The joy becomes brighter.
Create your own traditions.
Fall in love with the night sky.
Savour a walk in the moonlight.
Moment by moment.
We can handle just about anything.
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First impressions.
I met a delightful group of people at a dinner party this past Saturday night. Which of course (like all social occasions) got my psychologist mind percolating.
Particularly when one of the guests leaned in halfway through dinner and stated “Andrea, you seem like the kind of person who never worries”. At which point my husband (laughed) chimed in and said “Oh she worries. Plenty”.
The surface of the iceberg is a glimpse of what lies below.
This conversation brings up three important points. One, how truly multifaceted we are. Two, how those closest to us know us best. And finally, how we (write) teach what we ultimately need to learn.
I am a worrier. I’m also brave. I dream. I overwork. I ruminate. I relax. I overachieve. I doubt. I believe.
I am not one thing. And neither are you. We are all multifaceted. Equally.
Related Post: Who are you?
What would people be surprised to learn about you?
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You have the power to change the story.
What are the most powerful words in the universe?
The ones you use to talk to yourself.
Choose the words that move you forward, the emotions that lift you up, and the actions that empower you.
Believe in the one reason that a difficult situation will work out.
You!
You have everything it takes to overcome.
To work through.
To rise up!
To begin again.
You have the power to change the story.
Again and again and again.
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Breathe and Receive.
When I’m struggling to get through a difficult day, I look to the trees for inspiration and refuge.
All they do is give.
And all we need to do is receive.
Again and again.
With every single breath.
And every single step.
Peace lives here.
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Trust the music.
Stop expecting others to validate what you hear (see and feel).
The music is not “out there”.
The music is in you.
A beautiful melody that only you can hear.
Listen. Be still. Take a long deep breath.
Fear not who you are. Fear not what you hear.
You are the symphony.
Trust the music that is in you.
And dance a little freedom dance.
For all the world to see.
Related Post: I believe in you.
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Are you a highly sensitive person (HSP)?
Do you experience more stress than the average person? Are you overly sensitive to external stimuli. Chances are, there is nothing wrong with you or your coping strategies.
Instead, your brain may be more sensitive to stress than the average person. You may in fact, be what Dr. Elaine Aron has coined “A Highly Sensitive Person” (HSP).
Neurological differences found in HSP’s.
Brain scans show that HSP’s have “heightened activity in empathy-related brain regions” including the anterior insula (insular cortex), highlighted in the brain scan below.
The intensified response of highly sensitive people (HSP) to stress is not a choice – it’s biological. HSP brains are wired differently than the average person. This fact has been clearly supported by scientific research.
Self Test: Are You Highly Sensitive?
- Are you easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens nearby?
- Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time?
- Do you make a point of avoiding violent movies and TV shows?
- Do you need to withdraw during busy days, into bed or a darkened room or some other place where you can have privacy and relief from the situation?
- Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations?
- Do you notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art?
- Do you have a rich and complex inner life?
- When you were a child, did your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy?
Harnessing HSP’s Strengths.
The main challenge for most HSP’s is to acknowledge their heightened emotional sensitivity, understand their unique emotional needs, and finally to employ distinctive strategies for coping with stress.
Helpful websites and resources below –
- A Guide to the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) by Dr. Judith Orloff
- Coping Strategies for the Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Ted Zeff
- How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Dr. Elaine Aron
- Highly Sensitive People in the Workplace by Janine Ramsey
- With Care, You and Your Sensitivity Will Flourish by Deborah Ward
Cherish your sensitivity. It is your superpower.
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You hold the key.
Even though we often have little control over the “outside forces” in our lives, we can always make a positive difference – from the inside out.
Start here. Right here. Right now. Be still. Breathe in gratitude. Be thankful for this very moment. Start small. Notice your passing thoughts. Let go.
Awareness empowers.
Notice the exact time it is right now. Say today’s date out loud. Look up at the sky. Wink at the clouds. Stomp your feet on the floor. Smile with gusto.
Slowly bring yourself back to this moment.
Grab onto the coffee mug you are holding. Inhale the rich scent of the sumatra you are drinking. Feel the warmth of each passing breath.
Feel the texture of the clothes you’re wearing. Wake up to the sound of your voice. Whisper. Sing. Shout it out!
Dance a little dance. Stand up tall. Anything and everything that shifts you from outer space to inner spirit. From not enough to overflowing.
Positive change begins within.
Come back to yourself. Back to the grace of your magnificent spirit. Into the beauty of your incredible form. Feel the rhythm of your beating heart. Sense the pulse of life itself.
Everything you need to transform yourself and the world already exists within you. You matter. You truly matter. But you have to believe it to see it. Feel it to know it. One gentle, uplifting thought at a time.
You hold the key.
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Failure is the opportunity to begin again.
Ask someone how they feel about failure in the midst of it; life as they know it is over.
Ask someone how they feel about failure one year later; life as they know it has been transformed. 🦋
5 Ways to Feel Strong in the Midst of Failure:
- Take a long deep breath. Be still. Don’t Rush.
- Find a safe place to challenge your fears & beliefs.
- Rest. Take a long walk. Eat a nourishing meal.
- Learn something new. Have Fun! Self-Discover.
- Imagine. Envision. Explore & Begin Again!
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
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What’s your stress threshold?
Recently, a fellow blogger asked an excellent question regarding tipping points and stress response.
They were curious to know if each of us has a tipping point when it comes to stress management.
And if so, how does it differ from person to person.
I love questions like this because they encourage me to dig deep, reflect, and imagine new ways of perceiving stress.
Stress Thresholds
Tipping points and thresholds are often used synonymously in the literature. Especially when discussing economic, historical, and ecological phenomenon.
That said, there is a clear distinction between thresholds and tipping points in psychological applications.
Thresholds are more individual (unique to each person), while tipping points are more universal (shared by the majority).
Which is why I see each person’s stress response as more of a stress threshold than a tipping point.
- Thresholds vary from person to person (e.g., Type A vs. Type B), situation to situation (e.g., Work vs. Personal), and are based on individual strengths, challenges, and personal history.
See diagram above to help understand how thresholds affect your individual stress response. This graphic also depicts why a certain level of stress (below threshold) can be good for you.
- Assess when you cross the threshold from your optimal stress zone (eustress) into your overload stress zone (distress).
Situational Stress, Anxiety, and Thresholds
We may be good at some things, but we are not great at everything.
For example, the more challenging academic work is for me (high stress threshold) the more I flourish. Mostly because this is my area of expertise.
While this is not the case with other areas of my life (low stress threshold) and thus I tend to react (too quickly) when under pressure in certain personal situations.
In addition to overall stress response patterns, thresholds differ from one situation to the next.
Situational fluctuations in thresholds reflect our strengths, challenges, and personal preferences.
I discuss the topic of situational stress and anxiety in more detail during my Mental Health Matters Interview with Dr. Garland.
From Negative to Positive Stress
Finally, I believe that our ability to cope and thrive under pressure is a lifelong practice. Something that is never mastered – only strengthened.
And the more we learn about life and ourselves, the higher our thresholds will become. As the majority of our stress is beating ourselves up – long after the stressor is gone.
3 C’s of Thriving Under Pressure
Reflection Questions About Stress
- How does your stress threshold differ from others?
- Compare your personal stress threshold to family members, friends, coworkers.
- Are you the most high strung of your siblings?
- Are you the most carefree teacher in the school?
- Compare your personal stress threshold to family members, friends, coworkers.
- In what situations is your stress threshold higher vs. lower?
- Compare your situational stress threshold across multiple settings.
- When do you stress out at work?
- Is it only during public presentations?
- In contrast, when are you more relaxed relaxed and easy going?
- Are you more relaxed during independent work?
- When do you stress out at work?
- Compare your situational stress threshold across multiple settings.
- What are the benefits of stress and pressure in your life?
- When has stress been good for you?
- e.g., motivating and energizing
- How has pressure helped you achieve your goals?
- When has stress been good for you?
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New beginnings.
New beginnings. Fate. Destiny. And back again.
New beginnings. Full of fright. Hope. Trepidation. Exaltation. Panic. And back again.
New beginnings. Lost footing. Found fortune. Full moons. Rainy nights. Sun drenched days. And back again.
New beginnings. Rough and tumble. Joyful. Sadness. Overwhelm to underwhelm. And back again.
New beginnings. Misplaced dreams. Found sanctuary. Outstretched hands. Yearning heart. Radiant mornings. Restless nights. And back again.
New beginnings. Fate. Destiny. And back again..💫
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My wish for you today.
Treat yourself to kindness.
All day long.💛💫
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The Sweet Spot.
Nowhere else to be.
That moment in the day when you realize “you’ve arrived”.
And the most interesting part is that you haven’t gone anywhere.
Instead, you finally come home to the present moment.
The here and now. The sweet spot.
No where else to be. But here and now.
Right Here. Right Now.
This picture is from a retreat I did with one of my best friends nine years ago. The speaker asked each participant to share when they felt most at peace.
Each participant shared a different story. From when their newborn baby finally slept through the night to when they finally received their promotion at work to when their boyfriend finally proposed.
My answer was (unexpectedly) simple. I shared that I felt most at peace in that very moment. “No were else to be. But here and now.”
Wide Awake to Everything.
I had finally found my sweet spot. A place where “all is well” no matter the circumstances. A place I had been before. But failed to recognize.
A place positive psychologists call flow, and alternatively, mindfulness. A sweet spot that sparkles. Lights up. Expands. Stands still. Speeds up. And flows..
Running. Teaching. Encouraging. Writing. Laughing. Helping.
A sweetness I now easily recognize in the course of each day. That moment when I am wide awake to everything. To every sight. To every sound.
No judgements. No resistance. Simply accepting what is. And what will be.
