Locus of Control is a key ingredient in both stress hardiness and mental resilience.
Knowing the difference between what is within your control and sphere of influence and what to let go of and surrender is a daily process and wellness habit.
This was a question I actively explored over 2 days with 600 high school students in Windsor, Ontario during my thriving under pressure presentation.
PSYCHOLOGY HOMEWORK
Make a list of things that are beyond your control. Areas of your life that drain your energy, motivation, and passion for life.
Next, make a list of moments and situations that lift you up. Areas where you create impact. Focus on those areas of your life today. Surrender the rest.
You Can’t Add More to Your Life Without First Letting Go
One that I’m asked often. And one that I often ask myself.
PSYCHOLOGY INSIGHTS
What causes this behaviour?
The answer is multifaceted and includes several factors including how we were parented (when internalized superego and conscience first develops) andeventually how we parent ourselves.
For example:
When something goes wrong, how do you respond?
1. Self Criticism versus Self Compassion
2. Self Control versus Self Love and Understanding
PSYCHOLOGY SOLUTIONS
How do I make the shift from self criticism to self compassion?
1. Pay attention to where your self judgements originated.
Is this your personal measure of worthiness or society’s expectation of success?
2. Investigate how truly arbitrary the standards you set for yourself are.
For example, who said you had to weigh 125 lbs, have a million dollars in the bank, and be married by 30?
3. Don’t Believe Everything You Think!
Watch this short video for additional insights into the developmental origins of toxic self criticism, unrealistic standards, and the SUPERego.
“Be kinder to yourself. And let your kindness flood the world.”
Like all eyes are on you and every potential error you make?
Everyone experiences this phenomenon from time to time, especially when trying out something for the first time.
Think back to the first time you gave a dinner party, swung a golf club, wrote a college exam, or posted your first blog online.
Social Anxiety and Heightened Experiences
Individuals with social anxiety experience this sense of being watched (and thought about) significantly more than the average person.
Independent of skills and expertise.
Why is this the case?
The Imaginary Audience
One potential explanation is a psychological phenomenon called imaginary audience experienced frequently in adolescence.
A concept first introduced by social psychologists David Elkind and Erik Erikson in the 1960’s.
Think back to how easily embarrassed you were as a teenager.
If you wore the “wrong shirt” to school, it felt like everyone was gossiping about you and your entire social life would end as a result.
Resulting in perpetual self-consciousness, distorted views of how others saw you, causing in a tendency to conform for fear of sticking out.
Limiting your freedom to express outside the norm for fear of collective banishment and reprisal.
What does the research say?
Using the Imaginary Audience Scale as a Measure of Social Anxiety in Young Adults
Two studies explored imaginary audience phenomenon among college students.
Imaginary audience behavior was found to be related to measures of social anxiety, self perception, and personality.
Furthermore, imaginary audience scores were more strongly related to anxiety than abstract reasoning.
These results suggest that imaginary audience experiences that persist into early adulthood have more to do with social anxiety than with cognitive development.
The next time you imagine you are being watched, talked about, or judged by others, remember that imaginary audience IS AN ILLUSION heightened by social media, physiology (eg., lack of sleep), and overthinking.
When in truth, people are so focused on themselves (and their phones), that there is a 99% chance that no one cares what you are up to or how you are performing.
In this blog post and classroom video, I share strategies for transforming painful experiences. Especially those beyond your control.
Strategies include: Cognitive reframing (identifying and then disputing irrational or maladaptive thoughts) and the ABC technique (Antecedent, Belief, Consequence).
I also discuss my latest article in The Drive Magazine (link to article below) where I help a good friend transform the painful story in his life (house flood) into a more meaningful and empowering experience.
Motivation to make a change is as much about you, as the people all around you. And unfortunately, not everyone agrees with our decision to grow, change, and evolve. In whatever form it may take.
“Being different isn’t a bad thing. It means you’re brave enough to be yourself“
For when we change, we unknowingly push friends and family outside their comfort zone too. And that’s ok. The important thing to understand is that not everyone is going to support our choice to change. Something I learned personally.
My story
This post was inspired by my own journey of quitting drinking in 2005, motivated by three reasons:
1. Starting a family with my husband.
2. Improving my health.
3. Being a role model for my students
Unexpected Side Effects
What I did not expect was the pressure to keep drinking that came along with my decision to give up alcohol over a decade ago.
The pressure to remain the same.
The pressure to behave like everyone else.
A resistance to change from others that I did not foresee.
My students’ stories
— Peer Pressure and Alcohol Use in College
Students over the age of 19 have a choice when it comes to drinking alcohol.
A decision to drink or not drink that is often overshadowed by peer pressure and the widespread culture of risky drinking on and off Canadian campuses.
Too often students drink to “fit in, reduce stress, numb anxiety” (their words) because they know of no other way.
Excerpt from today’s class:
Class Discussion and Solutions
Which is why it’s more important than ever to open up the conversation of what it’s like to be a young person amongst the culture of alcohol use and abuse today.
A hot topic that stimulates honest and open debate in my classroom each year. Including remedies to the pressures of college that extend far beyond alcohol.
Even though we often have little control over the “outside forces” in our lives, we can always make a positive difference – from the inside out.
Start here. Right here. Right now. Be still. Breathe in gratitude. Be thankful for this very moment. Start small. Notice your passing thoughts. Let go.
Awareness empowers.
Notice the exact time it is right now. Say today’s date out loud. Look up at the sky. Wink at the clouds. Stomp your feet on the floor. Smile with gusto.
Slowly bring yourself back to this moment.
Grab onto the coffee mug you are holding. Inhale the rich scent of the sumatra you are drinking. Feel the warmth of each passing breath.
Feel the texture of the clothes you’re wearing. Wake up to the sound of your voice. Whisper. Sing. Shout it out!
Dance a little dance. Stand up tall. Anything and everything that shifts you from outer space to inner spirit. Fromnot enough to overflowing.
Positive change begins within.
Come back to yourself. Back to the grace of your magnificent spirit. Into the beauty of your incredible form. Feel the rhythm of your beating heart. Sense the pulse of life itself.
Everything you need to transform yourself and the world already exists within you. You matter. You truly matter. But you have to believe it to see it. Feel it to know it. One gentle, uplifting thought at a time.
My mission in life is to encourage people to own their choices – no matter how big or how small. In doing so, individuals will uncover the magnificent power that lives within them.
Embracing the power to choose one’s emotions, thoughts, and reactions to life’s circumstances is the key which unlocks personal freedom and empowerment.
Nature is a beautiful way to stop the monkey mind in its’ tracks.
What is the monkey mind? 🐒 🧠
“Buddha described the human mind as being filled with drunken monkeys, jumping around, screeching, chattering, carrying on endlessly. Fear is an especially loud monkey – screaming out all the things that could go wrong.” Source: HuffPost
When we’re caught in a loop of anxious thoughts, our amygdala goes into overdrive. Causing us to get stuck in the basement of our brains (the limbic system) where our stressful thoughts go around and around. With no end to the downward spiral in sight.
The impact of nature on the human spirit is so profound that a hallmark study in 1984 showed that patients who had a room with a view healed faster than patients without a view. A mere glimpse of nature was enough to enhance their resilience.
Hope
Nature shifts our thoughts. Expands our awareness. Gives us hope. Lifts us up from the basement of our brains (amygdala) to the penthouse (cerebral cortex) where all solutions are possible.
“And into the forest I go to lose my mind and find my soul.”
This post was inspired by a stressful situation that I couldn’t let go of, long beyond its solution. No matter how hard I tried. Day in day out. The worry would reappear. Then someone close to me suggested “I shed the stress”. And a lightbulb went off. Each time the repetitive thought appeared, I imagined a tree shedding its leaves. A golden leaf for every anxious thought. This visualization process made all the difference. And so did writing about it. 📝🍂
If you had a magic wand, what would you ask to disappear in your life right now?
What would you say good-bye to?
Once and for all.
It could be an emotion. Or a thought.
A relationship. Or a job.
A place or a thing.
Stress management is a shedding process ℘ Not an acquisition project
It’s time to let go of what drains you.
Let go of what holds you back.
Let go of what keeps you down.
It could be a mindset. Or a memory.
A situation. Or an attitude.
Write it down. Shout it out.
Stress management is a shedding process ℘Not a holding pattern
It’s time to let go of what weighs you down.
Release it to the universe.
Declare your freedom.
Vow to move on and beyond.
Once and for all.
Stress management is a shedding process ℘ Not an endurance test
“Go 24 hours without complaining and watch your life start changing.”
The next time you’re tempted to complain about the same thing over and over again, direct that same frustrated energy into your highest, loftiest goals. Consciously swap one complaint for one baby step towards your dreams. Same energy required. Magically different results.
When life changes direction, are you able to change with it?
Are you flexible and open to new experiences?
Are you able to break free from old patterns and habits?
Or do you struggle to adapt to anything new and different?
Flexibility and Change
In this interview on CBC-TV, Chris Hyndman and I examine the psychology of change. Including how individual differences (e.g., Type A vs. Type B, Optimist vs. Pessimist) impact how we respond to change. We also share 5 ways to embrace change. Including staying open and receptive to new beginnings and unexpected opportunities.
Even though we often have little control over the “outside forces” in our lives, we can always make a positive difference – from the inside out.
Start here. Right here. Right now. Be still. Breathe in gratitude. Be thankful for this very moment. Start small. Notice your passing thoughts. Let go.
Awareness empowers.
Notice the exact time it is right now. Say today’s date out loud. Look up at the sky. Wink at the clouds. Stomp your feet on the floor. Smile with gusto.
Slowly bring yourself back to this moment.
Grab onto the coffee mug you are holding. Inhale the rich scent of the sumatra you are drinking. Feel the warmth of each passing breath.
Feel the texture of the clothes you’re wearing. Wake up to the sound of your voice. Whisper. Sing. Shout it out!
Dance a little dance. Stand up tall. Anything and everything that shifts you from outer space to inner spirit. Fromnot enough to overflowing.
Positive change begins within.
Come back to yourself. Back to the grace of your magnificent spirit. Into the beauty of your incredible form. Feel the rhythm of your beating heart. Sense the pulse of life itself.
Everything you need to transform yourself and the world already exists within you. You matter. You truly matter. But you have to believe it to see it. Feel it to know it. One gentle, uplifting thought at a time.
“You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.”
The Beauty of NO.
When you learn to say no to something you no longer want to do, to people you no longer want to spend time with, to projects you no longer have time for, your world does not get smaller.
Your World Gets BIGGER.
Each time you have the strength to say no to takers who drain your time, your energy, your resources, your patience – you create more space for each authentic, heartfelt, luminescent, unconditional, absolute YES!
More Room for YES.
Each time you have the courage to say no to people pleasing – you create more time (for the people, projects, and places that truly matter), more truth (about who you really are, and what you really want to do), more opportunities (to make a meaningful difference in this world), more freedom (to follow your dreams, your destiny, your calling), and ultimately, more genuine happiness to share with this great big, beautiful world.
This is your world. This is your life. This is your time to shine!
I work hard. Too hard sometimes. And I bet you do too. On one hand, that’s fantastic. You wouldn’t be where you are without steadfastness and sacrifice. On the other hand, having a singular focus on work ultimately shortchanges your potential.
Rest is part of the equation.
Rest is critical for success. At life and work. We must pace ourselves on the long road to abundance. Give our mind, bodies, and spirits a chance to restore themselves. A moment to mend. A chance to recover.
The sweetest rewards are earned.
We must reward ourselves in small ways (and in big ways too). After the work is done. In between exams. After a semester of late night study sessions. Once all the exams are marked and final grades handed in.
You decide when. You decide where. You decide how.
Healthy Mama is one of my favourite places to relax. 💚
That moment in the day when you realize “you’ve arrived”.
And the most interesting part is that you haven’t gone anywhere.
Instead, you finally come home to the present moment.
The here and now. The sweet spot.
No where else to be. But here and now.
Right Here. Right Now.
This picture is from a retreat I did with one of my best friends nine years ago. The speaker asked each participant to share when they felt most at peace.
Each participant shared a different story. From when their newborn baby finally slept through the night to when they finally received their promotion at work to when their boyfriend finally proposed.
My answer was (unexpectedly) simple. I shared that I felt most at peace in that very moment. “No were else to be. But here and now.”
Wide Awake to Everything.
I had finally found my sweet spot. A place where “all is well” no matter the circumstances. A place I had been before. But failed to recognize.
A place positive psychologists call flow, and alternatively, mindfulness. A sweet spot that sparkles. Lights up. Expands. Stands still. Speeds up. And flows..
Thriving Under Pressure 