One that I’m asked often. And one that I often ask myself.
PSYCHOLOGY INSIGHTS
What causes this behaviour?
The answer is multifaceted and includes several factors including how we were parented (when internalized superego and conscience first develops) andeventually how we parent ourselves.
For example:
When something goes wrong, how do you respond?
1. Self Criticism versus Self Compassion
2. Self Control versus Self Love and Understanding
PSYCHOLOGY SOLUTIONS
How do I make the shift from self criticism to self compassion?
1. Pay attention to where your self judgements originated.
Is this your personal measure of worthiness or society’s expectation of success?
2. Investigate how truly arbitrary the standards you set for yourself are.
For example, who said you had to weigh 125 lbs, have a million dollars in the bank, and be married by 30?
3. Don’t Believe Everything You Think!
Watch this short video for additional insights into the developmental origins of toxic self criticism, unrealistic standards, and the SUPERego.
“Be kinder to yourself. And let your kindness flood the world.”
Taken one step further, time defines who we are, and ultimately who we become.
How we live our days is how we live our lives.
Moments → Hours → Days → Months → Lifetimes
Mindful Time Management
Which is why the more conscious and aware we become about how we spend and prioritize our time, the more meaningful and satisfying our lives will become.
Specifically, each time you criticize an area of your life (or something about yourself personally), write down three positive aspects about the very thing you condemned. Hence, the 3 to 1 positivity ratio.
For example, each time you get down on yourself for not working during the COVID-19 pandemic, write down three benefits of sheltering in place. (E.g., more time for fitness, the space to try out new hobbies, meaningful conversations with family members). This daily practice helps to dampen the adverse impact of negativity bias, a type of cognitive distortion, common to all of us.
Likewise, stop comparing your lowlights to other people’s highlights. You never know what’s happening behind the scenes in another person’s life. Good or bad. FOMO is “a story” fabricated in the mind based on snippets of observable behaviour (video below).
Reflection Questions
How has COVID-19 eased (or increased) the pressure you put on yourself and the people around you?
What does acceptance “feel” like physically in your body versus fighting “what is”?
I wanted to share how I have been keeping hope alive in my heart and soul during COVID-19. Specifically, by expanding my reach with new virtual experiences.
A New Experience
GOAL: Stay Connected to each other in new and novel ways.
HOW: Interactive LIVE “Q & A” conversations on the internet.
MEDIUM: ZOOM, INSTAGRAM, FACEBOOK, YOUTUBE.
Inaugural Moment To Share
This Spring I experienced my first “live” recorded internet conversation.
A fun adventure where I share both my home (I literally take you on a video tour) and the routines that keep me smiling – despite the universal crisis we are all experiencing simultaneously.
In the past, online interactions were “an extra” to everyday conversation.
Now they are a necessity for both business and our way of life. An important and crucial way to stay connected to each other and to our hopes and dreams for the future.
Hope and Change
“Adapt or Die” may sound harsh.
But adaptation is truly what’s being asked of us in every area of our lives right now.
So I figure I might as well jump right in!
Because I would rather ride the wave, than have the wave ride me. 🌊
Today I would like to shine a light on a local entrepreneur named Alex Binaei, the creative mind behind Windsor Updates and the video highlighted in this post.
Adversity → Creativity
Alex’s video for Windsor Updates is one of the best examples of how crisis and adversity create innovation and ingenuity. In both our community and in ourselves.
♥ Pass It On ♥
Windsor Updates
This video is a compilation of news, announcements, and local community members discussing the Covid-19 (Coronavirus) pandemic taking place in Windsor-Essex Ontario and around the world. Including offers of support, advice, and information.
“Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much.”
Research on Social Support & Psychological Health
Being surrounded by people who are supportive helps individuals see themselves as capable of handling stress and adversity. Research has also shown that having strong social support in times of crisis can help reduce the consequences of trauma-induced disorders including PTSD.
How are you coping with our shared worldwide experience?
How has your perception of yourself and the world evolved?
How has COVID-19 transformed you?
I Am Waking Up
After socially distancing for several days, and working full-time from home as a psychology professor (now online), I had never felt more appreciative and grateful for all the simple joys in my life.
Walking on campus. Smiling in the hallways. Laughing with students. Chatting in the parking lot. Coffee at Starbucks. High Fives At The Gym. Wandering Freely Through Bookstores. Movies at Silver City. Buttery popcorn. Ice cold pop. A Gathering in The Park.
So much goodness that I often took for granted in the course of an ordinary day.
Every adversity, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.
What is the higher lesson in all of this?
In the video above created for a community resilience project — I share all the ways my husband John and I are thriving (instead of merely surviving) the COVID-19 crisis. Including counting our blessings like never before.
Community Resilience
Now is the opportunity to come together as a resilient community.From the basement of our fears to the penthouse of our faith. Rising in unison. Together in strength and love.
Your Thoughts
What has COVID-19 crisis awakened in you?
How has your inner and outer life evolved?
How have you thrived and grown?
Stay Well My Friends! 🌍 🦋
“Like the butterfly, I have the hope, the strength, and the faith to believe that in time, we will emerge from our cocoon transformed.
Like all eyes are on you and every potential error you make?
Everyone experiences this phenomenon from time to time, especially when trying out something for the first time.
Think back to the first time you gave a dinner party, swung a golf club, wrote a college exam, or posted your first blog online.
Social Anxiety and Heightened Experiences
Individuals with social anxiety experience this sense of being watched (and thought about) significantly more than the average person.
Independent of skills and expertise.
Why is this the case?
The Imaginary Audience
One potential explanation is a psychological phenomenon called imaginary audience experienced frequently in adolescence.
A concept first introduced by social psychologists David Elkind and Erik Erikson in the 1960’s.
Think back to how easily embarrassed you were as a teenager.
If you wore the “wrong shirt” to school, it felt like everyone was gossiping about you and your entire social life would end as a result.
Resulting in perpetual self-consciousness, distorted views of how others saw you, causing in a tendency to conform for fear of sticking out.
Limiting your freedom to express outside the norm for fear of collective banishment and reprisal.
What does the research say?
Using the Imaginary Audience Scale as a Measure of Social Anxiety in Young Adults
Two studies explored imaginary audience phenomenon among college students.
Imaginary audience behavior was found to be related to measures of social anxiety, self perception, and personality.
Furthermore, imaginary audience scores were more strongly related to anxiety than abstract reasoning.
These results suggest that imaginary audience experiences that persist into early adulthood have more to do with social anxiety than with cognitive development.
The next time you imagine you are being watched, talked about, or judged by others, remember that imaginary audience IS AN ILLUSION heightened by social media, physiology (eg., lack of sleep), and overthinking.
When in truth, people are so focused on themselves (and their phones), that there is a 99% chance that no one cares what you are up to or how you are performing.
This is a very good thing!
CARPE DIEM
Today’s Freedom Mantra
Live like nobody’s watching. Love like nobody’s watching. Succeed like nobody’s watching. Fail like nobody’s watching. Write like nobody’s watching!
